The inbetweeners quotes

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Quotes from Series 3

Jay: Morning Benders, jump in the minge mobile.
Will: Strange thing to call your mums car.

Simon: Hang on, have you had the left ear pierced?
Jay: Yes
Simon: Aint that the one you get pierced to show you're gay?
Neil: Oh yeah that is the gay one
Jay: Well there's a quick way to tell Neil, which ear's your dad got pierced?
Neil: Neither cos he's not bent!
Simon: Course not

Jay: You? Who wants a model that looks like a spotty baby crossed with the Statue of Liberty?

Jay: Oh, I'm gonna have to go, got a missed call from Ralph Lauren.

Jay: Alright Yves Saint Leponce what's going on here then?
Simon: Neil's getting me in shit.
Neil: They've put a curtain up so we can't see the clunge, it'stotally sexist
Jay: Ahh the craft fuckers, they tried this when we did the school play, we just cut a hole in the curtain and stuck our knobs through it, it was well horny, we was getting noshed off in between scenes.

Jay: Oh well done you've mastered walking like a knob and looking like a dick at the same time.
Simon: This is actually enjoyable, in a 'I'm shitting myself' kind of way
Neil: If you've shit yourself in them trousers I aint touching them
Simon: Of course I haven't
Neil: You walk like you have

Will: Bit over dramatic, it's only a bollock

Jay: Alright gays?
Neil: How's your ear Jay?
Jay: Perfect, that's why I've got to wear this massive bandage.
Neil: Oh, I suppose that's your modelling career fucked then.
Will: He never had a modelling career!
Jay: Yeah but I'm not bothered, cos I fucked the nurse that looked after me.
Will: The St. Johns Ambulance lady?
Jay: Yes!
Simon: Isn't she Warren Duncan's nan?
Jay: No there was another one who looked like Lucy Pinder.
Will: Course there was.

Jay: So I had one bent over the table here, there was one up here who I was fingering and I was just toe fucking the one on the floor.
Will: So when do we get to meet these lucky ladies?
Jay: You can't, they've gone back to the playboy mansion.

Neil: Jay was telling us about them birds he pulled in Norfolk.
Jays Dad: Oh right was he?
Jay: Yeah, you remember them, right dad?
Jays Dad: Well he's a total bullshitter then, cos the only pussy he's ever touched was his mums when he fell out of it.

Jay: When I say I'm gonna deliver, I fucking deliver.
Will: Like a postman with Tourettes?

Will: A few years ago i went to see King Kong at the cinema, now I'm on a date with her!


Simon: Its YOUR spunk!!
Neil: but it's YOUR car!
Simon: if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Will: No one would get fingered for a bet Jay... with the possible exception of your sister.
Jay: Take that back
Will: You're right I do take that back, on the other hand your mum would probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Simon: You wet the bed when you were 10
Jay: Yeah I wet your mums bed...with my spunk

Jay: Have you had a wank over Will's mum?
Will: Please don't have a wank over my mum!
Neil: I can't pronmise that, Will.

Jay: While you've been at home wanking over Carly all summer... i've been out porkin' loads of vadge!

Will: Oh piss off
Neils Dad: dont talk to me like that in my own house!
Will: oh sorry, my manners, piss off PLEASE!!
Neils Dad: i've had enough of your lip
Will: oh you'd like my lip wouldnt you, right round your bell end! if Mr Chippy doesnt get there first! Whats he gunna knock up, a closet for you to hide in!? you BUMDER!!

Jay: Where've you been? Wankin' over your mum's bras?
Will: Well seeing as she's my mum, probably not
Jay: Well can I have them then?

Jays Dad: I know what you're up to, you think cos shes sooo massive, she'll count as 2 shags, well she doesnt!

Will: What you lookin at?
Jay: Your mum
Will: Doesnt look anything like my mum
Jay: But that is her snatch though!

Simon's mum: Just because Kevin's gay, doesn't mean he's a paedophile!
Kevin: I'm not a paedophile!

Neil: My Dad's not gay!
Jay: Well...let's look at the evidence...1) your mum left him because he loves! cock.

Simon's Dad: Your've had an eventful day bunking off school, buying alchol illegally, defacing carly's drive and insulting Neil's dad, have i missed anything?"
Will: We also hit a spastic with a frispy

Jay: I'm gonna go find that yummy mummy who wants me to spunk on her tummy.

Jay: You lot can stay here and finger Neil's arse but i'm off to find some clunge.

Neil: He rubbed my legs
Jay: That's what you get for leading on Peados you slut!

Jay: She's probably just got an old face, must be cos of all the jizz she's had on it

Old Lady: What can I get you?
Jay: Cornetto please
Old Lady: One cornetto, is that all?
Jay: Do you want to lick it?
Old Lady: Sorry?
Jay: My Cornetto, do you want to lick it?
Old Lady: Oh that is kind, I've had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart
Jay: Oh right, bit late am I?
Old Lady: Do you want something else?
Jay: Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?
Old Lady: Sorry?
Jay: Can you suck me off?

Neil: Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.
Jay: Fisting?

Neil: Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh, does he teach it?
Jay: No, of course he doesn't teach it you fucking idiot, the Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.
Will: Umm, No he isn't, it's his dad
Neil: King Phillip?
Will: No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you're thinking of, but he's not the king
Neil: But he fucks the Queen though
Jay: Probably up the arse
Will: LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?
Jay: You've gotta be fucking joking, there's no way i'm gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain
Neil: Yeah fuck it i'm in

Will: Your dad's moved out?
Simon: It's no biggie, they've not been getting on lately so he's moved out for a few weeks while they sort stuff out
Jay: What like her face? It's gonna take more than a few weeks to sort that mess out

Will: I went to fart and instead, shit myself

Simon: No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub
Jay: Your dad does
Simon: Does he?
Jay: Yeah, your mum

Will: Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts
Jay: Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot
Will: Did you? I thought you were really into her
Jay: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and (sobbing) my cock was too big for her

Jay: At least they wont call you briefcase mong anymore
Will: Oh well that's good
Jay: No, they'll call you shit pants mong
Neil: Or Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
Will: Any more?
Simon: Wayne Pooney, Take Shat
Neil: Dr Poo
Jay: The Lion the Witch and the speccy kid who shit himself
Simon: We can keep this up all summer you know
Will: Brilliant looking forward to it
Simon: Brad Shit
Jay: Bumlog Millionaire
Will: Alright!
Simon: How about Vladimir Pootin
Neil: Who?

Simon: I don't know if my dad will let me go anyway
Jay: What's it got to do with your dad?
Simon: He's paying for my car, he might not let me do long journeys yet
Jay: Surely he'll want you to get sucked off by a little lovely on the T-Cup ride

Will: This is perfect, Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride...
Jay: A man's cock in the bushes
Will: ...The Nemesis Inferno!

Simon: Yeah well i'm the only one who can drive so you can fuck off!
Jay: I can drive, I took an army driving course when I was 10
Simon: Bollocks! You still wet the bed when you were 10
Jay: Yeah, I wet your mums bed, with my spunk

Jay: Fuck that! Look you lot can stay here and finger Neils arse if you wanna but i'm off to find the clunge.

Jay: I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis
Will: Well sounds like they are thrill seekers too
Jay: Oh I hope they are cock seekers too!

Jays Dad: "What's he gonna do with that, it's like a McDonalds chip"

Jay: I’d fuck her, right up the bum hole.
Will: Lucky girl.

Simon: Yeah, that’s right, I’ve had 210 wanks and my cocks like a pepperami!!

Neil: Are we gonna have to swim back?
Simon: It's very cold in there.
Jay: Just row back, on holiday in Spain one year me and my mate took a pedalo out and went to Africa.
Will: Do you think you can spare us the bullshit, for one minute, while I try to figure out how not to die at sea.

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